tonight while talking

to emily, who's going to be my small group leader, i realized something-

god got me here to college. like, i wanted it for so long and i really thought at one point that it wasn't going to happen. it's all anyone was telling me. i was told that i need a plan b and that i need to get my butt on looking at new places and yada yada. and for a moment, i really thought i was completely fucked. i thought that all of my plans and works to get here were for nothing. and i thought that i'd be jobless and college-less and that life was just going to suck. i thought that i had put up with my shitty senior year and that due to lack of money, it was just going to continue on. and i thought i'd just keep seeing brian and keep on putting up with my dad and my family. and i thought nothing was going to get better, because i couldn't get here to arizona for college.

and that's all kind of selfish, i guess... but.

i've been here for almost 2 months now. and i've found that this is actually what i really wanted. it wasn't just an idea i got one time and i happened to stick with it. because everyday i wake up here, the sun is shining. and everyday when i go to bed at night, it's not raining or storming. it's perfect here. and when i'm awake at 4am and i can't sleep, i have someone to go sit outside with me. and we can do that here and not freeze or not get soaked in rain. and i really like it.
i also really like that it's a desert. i take this one "shortcut" path almost everyday and i walk past all of the giant rocks and cacti and i just think about how this isn't a part of my normal life. i mean, it is now, but it wasn't. and i think about how some people back home, like kayla, for instance has probably never even seen a real desert cactus. and how sad that is.

i don't know. i guess i've just discovered tonight that god is so good and that i don't thank him enough for the things he does for me. because i truly believe that he's the real reason i'm here. he believed in me and what i wanted, and allowed me to get to that place- to this place. and i did my best at believing he would do so. i told people that it's going to work out. i wanted it bad enough that i just knew it had to. and you know what, so far, it has. god is so good and so i might be in debt for the rest of life, but it's okay, because i know god is going to take care of that too.

thanks mom.

not only did she get me the book i wanted, but she did it like, within a day or two... had it sent to her, and then she shipped it to me. how awesome, i'm truly thankful.

because this book already has me thinking lots.
and one thing i was thinking about is how cool it would be to have the bible stories translated into modern day.. like, not just as the message version does, but more than that. i don't know.
i just think that'd be really cool.

oh! so.

i no longer have a roommate; mine left me. i thought we were cool and on good terms and whatnot, but apparently not. apparently, she did a lot of lying two-faced crap to me, so whatevs to that. but yeah, she's gone now- back in with her parents. i really hope she'll learn to grow up and take care of herself one day. however, on the plus side, i now have a pink-less room. it's great. oh, and i have two of everything now.. that's also kind of cool. i've had sleepovers every night since she's left. mostly because i hate being alone though.


i really thought we were okay though.
maybe she just had problems of her own.
ah well.

you know, it's funny.

i made this blog so that i can say anything i want.
and that i can write whenever i want.
and i put it on the internet, so that no matter what happens to my life, my possessions or my computer, i'll still be able to have these thoughts in a semi safe place.
however, lately i've found myself unable to say everything i want to say here.
because i wonder how many people are out in this weird keeping up with my posts, pictures and thoughts.
so if anyone creeps me, let me know.
and maybe if i get zero responses, i'll start on with what i really want out.


probably not, but still.

rhee,

i wrote you a letter.
but i can't send it.


:/

heyLord,

you put someone into my life and i don't know him terribly well.
but you know him, and he knows you.
anyway, i know he means a lot to you.
you're allowing so many terrible things to happen to him.
he's only 19 and he's putting up with a life i don't think i could cope with.
with every obstacle, he's only getting stronger and stronger.
anyway, i just wanted to semi publicly put this out there.
because i think it's awesome.
i see this life that you're paving for him.
he's going to go somewhere big because of you.
you have his life planned out, and he's going to be someone.
and i see this.
and i'm constantly amazed by it.
it seems like everyday, there's something else.
and it makes me sad inside.
but then you show me how strong he is.
and how he gets through things.
and lord, only you're capable of a strength like that.
a love like that.
i know he's hurt right now, physically.
but i believe that you're the father of healing.
and that you're going to heal him.
and that you will find a place for his brother to be.
because where he is now- is not okay.
and you will find a safe place for his sister.
because right now, she's clearly not safe.
and i know that you both want that for her.
she deserves to be safe.
i put my faith in all of this.
because i know you.
and i know that what you do is good.
in your name,
amen.

iReally

like this picture.

i've lost the list

of writing prompts, so there goes that idea.

my roommate

younglife,

it's what i've needed.


true greatness is to have your heart in sync with the beat of jesus christ.
true greatness won't be determined by how successful you become.
true greatness is not always understanding, yet refusing to give up.
true greatness is what i want to strive for.
i want to be truly great.
because ultimately, that's why i'm alive, right?

i'm alive to love god, to love others, to love myself and to be truly great.
that's what i should be doing.

FM Radio

Everything you've known.
Everything you've seen.
Everything you've loved.
Everything you've been.
And everywhere you walk.
Every song you sing.
Every time you wake.
It haunts you once again.

-Joshua James

"the sun is always brighter."

second-

second- name one thing in your life you hope you never have to see or encounter.

i'd like to say i'll never have to see any of these four die, but i know that having your parents die in a child's lifetime is just the natural cycle of life. so that leaves us with the three, the most three important boys in my life. i pray to god nothing bad ever happens to any of them.

i've been thinking about them a lot lately. i'm away in college now and they're still there. i think about what the usual day back home is like. and they're back in school now. nathan is in high school this year. in fact, today was his second day in public school, ever. and it's weird to me, but it makes me happy. he's growing up, whether i still see him as an annoying ten year old or not.

and austin and tanner are my life. they're really growing up. and it's the most unfamiliar thing to me. but then i look at myself and realize that, hey, so am i. i'm in college. and i just never thought this is what it'd feel like. because i look in the mirror and feel the same way i did four years ago.

but it's life.
my brothers are my life.
and i hope i never have to see them leave me.

journal writing prompts

while stumbling, i found 50 journal writing prompts.
considering, i want to begin writing more, again, i figured it'd be good.
i saved it and will begin answering them on here.

first one-
name one thing that has always fascinated you.

i'm fascinated by so many things, but at 3am, i'm going to have to go with: attachment.
i think it's funny, all of the things people are attached to.
whether it's people, places, objects or even memories, we all have attachments.
i don't even really get how they work.
and at what point it can be determined whether someones attached to something or not.
but at some point, it just kind of happens.
and you realize that without it, you wouldn't be content.

lololol.

"Can I sleep with you??? ...not like that :) I mean stay here and sleep."

typical dorm life,

what can i say?! ;)

on the subject of love.

"so find someone to exchange that feeling with and never, ever let them go."