no estmaos solos.

we are not alone.

blackice.

I love when the reflection of the sky is so intense that the ground a few feet before you looks wet or like black ice.


SO COOL.


And if you don't know what I'm talking about, maybe you should get out more.

Best//Worst

I hate when things are both the best and the worst.
For example, that fact that hair always grows back.

When I'm talking about a bad haircut- the best part is that hair always grows back. But when I'm talking about just having shaved my legs- the worst part is that hair always grows back.


Oh. The things my mind consumes.
Horrible.

3.13.11 Rhee's church.

I'm so sad. Straight up- sad.
I know that he was talking to me.
I just know it.

It annoys me though that it never ends.
It always comes back to this.
And I just want it to go away.
I want it to be done. For good.

Care-full: full of care
Help-full: full of help
Mercy-full: full of mercy

(Yes, the word 'full' is beginning to look strange to me.)

"Justice? You don't need justice, you need mercy!"

While making my blog lurkin' rounds,

I came across this on Eric's... and I really like it.

"people spend billions and billions of dollars every year
on doctors, pills, medicine and self-help books.

we are getting sicker.

i long for change. real change,
arriving in the form of boldness, courage,
hope and most importantly,
forgiveness.

the past twenty years of my life are not going to get any better."

this happened.

yeah. i'm embarrassed for me too.
please feel obliged to laugh at our bulgy crotches.
i know i sure did.

sometimes my life is okay.

^second favorite part of an awesome video- just sayin.

Roughly two weeks ago I came home from work with the song Lovesick by Emily Osment stuck in my head. Ashamed of it being there in the first place, I proceeded to Youtube to watch the video of it again- as if 3-4 times at work that day wasn't enough already.
While falling more and more in love with the song, I told Bolt she had to watch it... and not judge me for listening to Emily Osment in my free time.
Less than a week later she posts on my Facebook wall: I blame you for me downloading that song.
And I told her that I'd have to blog about this, because one: it's hillarious of her. And two: because she's going to start thinking I love her less than I say I do, since none of my posts are never about her.
xD

3.17.11 holy 8 days.

I cannot believe it's been eight days already.
But I've been enjoying myself here in good ol Tennessee.
I've met Rhee this week.
And it's going to be weird when we go back to just being internet friends.
But to everyone who thought it was going to be bleh and sketchy, you were wrong.
It wasn't. It's like we've been friends since forever.

Among the many other things I did this week, I got my brow pierced twice.
Only twice because Rhee inspired it.
And because they were only ten bucks each.
And that's awesome, right?

this has gotta be it.

she only asked me because she wasn't allowed to ask him.
it was too early at their relationship for that and she assumed they wouldn't go for that.
i was the only option she had around.
because i've come to realize she keeps no one close.
and with me not close, i was an okay option.
so when i came close again, i had to be shunned- just like everyone else.


maybe she'd fully deny this whole thing and the entire situation.
but honestly, from an outside view, there's no other reasons.
this has gotta be it.

stupid idiots.

I hate when people are dumb- during the process of merging. They're given a long path of time to blink and get over, but instead they just dilly dolly and ride the curb until the very last moment.
"UGHHH!" I screamed this morning after I not so graciously let him over. I then decided it'd be more fun to ram into his tail end... so I envisioned that happening. And felt immediately better. Back to reality I returned where I kept on behind with an appropriate distance.
However after that, I made an important choice (second one of the day, at that time... the first was to keep my straight legged jeans (not skinny) and wear them- to school), and that's if I'm ever to star in a movie of my own life, I want me envisionings to be played out, before I do what I actually did- or what actually happened.
I like when movies do that sort of thing, and I tend to do it in my mind quite often, so it'd be a good touch of what I'm truly like.

By the way, "envisionings" isn't a word... just so you know.

Death. Distortion. And memories.

Sometimes I worry about where I will be in five years. I think about all the things that could go wrong or won't work out. I think of all the twists and turns I've taken in the past five, and I can't even imagine what the next will bring.
Realistically, five years from now will put me at 23 years old. I plan to be done with college, and with a decent degree. I want to have a job I enjoy doing, and a vehicle I can drive without fear of it dying before I get to where I need to be.
Not that I will ever just "settle" for someone, but chances are that in five years, I could be thinking about it. I could be considering the whole "settle down" process with someone. I think Sabrinas crazy to say she wants to be on her third child by the time she's 25. We're the same age. Those seven years for me is the same seven for her.
I guess I really just want things to happen how they're going to happen. But in the meantime, I want to know that everything's going to be okay.
Sometimes when the roads are really slick and I have a ways to drive, I think about how if something bad happened to me while driving, then it could be my last drive in a car, ever. (But then I always think my thoughts will jinx reality, so I pray to God for His protection.) I think about how I could be dead-half buried beneath snow in a ditch- alone and lost for hours before my mom has any idea. She would think I made it home safe and that I'm downstairs in my bed- asleep. And I think about all of my friends. I wonder how they'd ever know. I wonder who would tell them. I think about all of my friends in Arizona, and how they would find out. And I think about Maddie. It makes me wonder if my mom would give her a call or not. Or Dan, how would he ever find out? At some point, I think some people would find out on Facebook- but what about Tayler, or other past friends, would they even care?
These kinds of things keeps me thinking at times. Fact is that death is real and death happens, and my death could be approaching sooner than expected. I might not even be around in five years to look back on this post and laugh at myself. I may just be a corpse somewhere.
In my mind, time is so distorted. I don't understand how week by week, things take so long, and sometimes a week feels like a year. But then year by year, you wonder what happened and where all the time and memories went. Because all of those past events- all they are now are memories. And I guess within the past five years, and the next five to come, all either will ever be, are a strand of memories.

I wish I could remember when I wrote this.

You want to know how I feel?
Really want to know?

I feel rotten and lost of goodness.
I feel like the lid on my happy jar was removed and set loose in the night, and now I'm deprived of all my past happies.
I feel like all of the love I once felt is missing and has fallen a stray.
I feel like I'm in love with someone who has detached himself from me, and the majority of my being.
I feel like if everything could just happen again, I wouldn't let go of it this time.
I feel like he has gone and has left me in the wind, yet I fear for the life he might one day proceed without me.

I want to have love.
And I want to be loved.
Abba, pour down on me.
I need You more than I need him.
And this is my cry for Your help.

3.5.11

"if they ever make a movie about my life,
i hope i don’t end up being the main character." -e.

failed to mention

that yesterday was March first, so I felt I needed to do so.
Because that indeed happened,- the first of March, that is.