the thing is-
nothing happened. Nothing went wrong.
It's just that every now and then, I wake
up in reality again.
I get so used to living in my mind,
where I'm numb to many feelings.
But then the shell cracks a bit and I
start to feel things again.
And it's never things I want to feel.
It's always unhappy ones.
And I should be able to cure this
rotation by now, but I don't know how to.
I can't seem to figure out what it is
that makes it start and stop.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Eat. Dust.
Are you trying to show me that it's not really what I want?
It's starting to seem that way, and I don't like the idea of that.
Maybe I was too sure too fast.
Or maybe not.
It was forever ago.
Forever is always either too long or not long enough though.
And maybe that's the whole problem.
Has it been too long?
Or do we need to wait longer, because it hasn't been long enough?
It's starting to seem that way, and I don't like the idea of that.
Maybe I was too sure too fast.
Or maybe not.
It was forever ago.
Forever is always either too long or not long enough though.
And maybe that's the whole problem.
Has it been too long?
Or do we need to wait longer, because it hasn't been long enough?
2/27/11
"It was such a beautiful day.
I don't even remember what I was thinking.
I don't even remember what was said.
I don't even remember getting home.
I don't remember when he left.
I don't even remember what time it was.
But every word meant everything.
And it doesn't even make sense.
And it doesn't even have to.
I just wish I would have been awake."
I don't even remember what I was thinking.
I don't even remember what was said.
I don't even remember getting home.
I don't remember when he left.
I don't even remember what time it was.
But every word meant everything.
And it doesn't even make sense.
And it doesn't even have to.
I just wish I would have been awake."
this english paper might be the death of me...
In that case, I have a few things to say if I don't make it to see tomorrow.
First things first, I want to thank country music for not playing the same seven songs over and over while I've been working. It's been helpful. It's also nice to know all the words to every song, although, that might be one of the biggest distractions right now.
Secondly, to the dollar store at Northtown, your gummy bears are horrible, yet I'm hooked. I buy them almost every day I work. And yesterday I bought two, so I'd have a pack to eat today while I work on this homework. They've been working great. I only had to make a run to the kitchen for some water.
And lastly, my lovely space heater, you're an ugly piece of work, but thanks to you, I'm able to sit in my sweat shorts, a t shirt and socks and work on this English assignment. You're keeping me warm enough to stay comfy. And I know that kind of ability takes a lot of talent.
Thank you.
From: the one who wants to make it out alive
First things first, I want to thank country music for not playing the same seven songs over and over while I've been working. It's been helpful. It's also nice to know all the words to every song, although, that might be one of the biggest distractions right now.
Secondly, to the dollar store at Northtown, your gummy bears are horrible, yet I'm hooked. I buy them almost every day I work. And yesterday I bought two, so I'd have a pack to eat today while I work on this homework. They've been working great. I only had to make a run to the kitchen for some water.
And lastly, my lovely space heater, you're an ugly piece of work, but thanks to you, I'm able to sit in my sweat shorts, a t shirt and socks and work on this English assignment. You're keeping me warm enough to stay comfy. And I know that kind of ability takes a lot of talent.
Thank you.
From: the one who wants to make it out alive
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
when i went to kennedy,
I used to get sick 2-4 times a year.
My year at Anoka is almost 2/3rds over and I haven't been sick yet.
And although this post will probably jinx me and my streak, I needed to point this out.
My year at Anoka is almost 2/3rds over and I haven't been sick yet.
And although this post will probably jinx me and my streak, I needed to point this out.
when i read books, i need music...
otherwise I get a headache.
So the brain is pretty much the coolest thing around, right? It holds and controls so much information and is programmed to remember tons and science can't even fully figure it out. So yes, to answer my own question- brains are pretty awesome. Aside from their all around being, I think of one their most fascinating functions is combining.
Like combining memories (or anything) with music, tastes, smells, pictures, etc.
Within the past month, I read a 3 book series, a good one too- considering I generally don't enjoy reading a series. With never having anything to do in study hall every day, I did all of my reading there- about a book a week. And since I can't read without music, I had my headphones on for every single page. I listened to Pierce the Veil, in fact... their 2010 album. Over and over again, from "Don't rain on my paraaaade" to "I've been savin' myself for youuuu".
Now that a week has passed since I finished the books, whenever I listen to Pierce the Veil, all I picture is scenes in the book and characters being characters and having issues.
And I guess this is all just a pointless rant, but as I was trying not to fall asleep in study hall today, I was amused by how cool this all is... the brain and what it does.
Well, that's it.
Time to go see Dan.
:3
So the brain is pretty much the coolest thing around, right? It holds and controls so much information and is programmed to remember tons and science can't even fully figure it out. So yes, to answer my own question- brains are pretty awesome. Aside from their all around being, I think of one their most fascinating functions is combining.
Like combining memories (or anything) with music, tastes, smells, pictures, etc.
Within the past month, I read a 3 book series, a good one too- considering I generally don't enjoy reading a series. With never having anything to do in study hall every day, I did all of my reading there- about a book a week. And since I can't read without music, I had my headphones on for every single page. I listened to Pierce the Veil, in fact... their 2010 album. Over and over again, from "Don't rain on my paraaaade" to "I've been savin' myself for youuuu".
Now that a week has passed since I finished the books, whenever I listen to Pierce the Veil, all I picture is scenes in the book and characters being characters and having issues.
And I guess this is all just a pointless rant, but as I was trying not to fall asleep in study hall today, I was amused by how cool this all is... the brain and what it does.
Well, that's it.
Time to go see Dan.
:3
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
thankfully,
Bolt confirmed with me that she wouldn't tell me I'm horrible and dump me as a friend a month after I move to Arizona. She also told me to never bring up such nonsense ever again. Lulz.
Okay, Bolt!
I love you too. <3
Okay, Bolt!
I love you too. <3
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
i'mtoohappy
andthisiswhy! <3
Going to Tennessee to meet, greet, and stay with Rhee.
CANNOT WAIT NO LONGER.
onemoremonth, err actually, 24 days!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Looking at Facebook
pictures of some of my friends at Kennedy makes me wish I wouldn't have left.
It reminds me of how I enjoyed school and how I liked knowing people.
I'm still at no point of regret, but sometimes I miss familiarity.
It reminds me of how I enjoyed school and how I liked knowing people.
I'm still at no point of regret, but sometimes I miss familiarity.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Day 50: Feb. 9
THIS IS IT. THIS IS: Day 50 - A picture of yourself.
This was taken on my birthday. I was on Austin's bottom bunk.
And I had just gotten a picture from and of James via text.
So I returned it with this and I was all, "WHADDDUP?!" if you couldn't already tell from my face expression.
:3
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Day 49: Feb. 8
Day 49- A picture of you and your best friend, Maddy.
No one can ever replace my Maddy. Ever.
This was us being casual in her kitchen- summer 09.
Then the camera was like: LOOOKIE HERE.
Day 47: Feb. 6
Day 47 - A picture that makes you angry.
I cannot find a picture that truly makes me angry.
>:3
I cannot find a picture that truly makes me angry.
>:3
Monday, February 7, 2011
Day 46: Feb. 5
Day 46 - A picture that you edited. Yeah. I edited this.
I'm so weird. I picked one that's really unattractive. Yeah!
And there's Tom in the back. Miss Tom.
New Years was fun though. See the decoration behind me? Yeah.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Day 45: Feb. 4
Day 45 - A picture of what you did today.
I can't find a picture of this:
I sold 73 cents short of a grand today.
The $999.27 was from shoes, laces, and socks.
Holla at my_life.
Yeah, mliAWESOME.
I can't find a picture of this:
I sold 73 cents short of a grand today.
The $999.27 was from shoes, laces, and socks.
Holla at my_life.
Yeah, mliAWESOME.
Day 44: Feb. 3
Day 44 - A picture that describes your life.
Meh holds every emotion.
Every emotion equals my life.
ihopeyoufindthis.
Because I'm not okay. I'm not okay with your dependency with alcohol. I don't like that it's the only way you can finish off an evening. I don't like that we're not enough. Or is it that we're too much? Your defense is that only three were planned, but that's lousy. God created the fourth for a reason and calling that a mistake bothers me more than I can explain. It has nothing to do with how much you love us, because that's not the part that bothers me- I know you love us. I know that you really do. Yet I don't think you feel truly blessed to be given the four us. I wish you could see how special we really are. I wish I could tell you that through a life of heartache, God promises us a life of plenty at the end. I wish I could tell you that and have you actually believe me. I wish I felt like you cared. I feel like if you actually cared, you would see how much it bothers us, at least Nathan and I. We bring it up many times a month, but obviously that doesn't stop you. Is it not sad that the little two know where you hide your bottles? Does that not scare you at all?
I thought that my leaving the first time was enough. I thought that things had changed and things had grown to be better. But as far as I'm concerned with Austin and Tanner around only half of the time now, maybe things have gotten worse.
When is enough, enough? Why wasn't my absence enough? Why? I don't get it. I don't get why things can't stay better. I don't get it at all. And I don't like how your drinks can be a substitute for making things in life better. To anyone with addictions, I don't get it. How does doing what you do help you get anywhere in life? What, does it put you to sleep at night? Maybe sometimes it's better to strike your problems head on. When you take the time to be sad and deal with your brokenness, that is when things actually happen. That is when new doors open. That is when new things begin. That is when you can say goodbye to a past and welcome a new beginning.
I'm done with being hurt. I don't want this anymore. I don't want what it has done or will keep on doing. I don't want it and I can't handle it. My biggest fear isn't going away to college and being homesick, but going away and not knowing what goes on at this house when I'm not here. I'm afraid of what could keep happening and what these three young men are going to have to see and deal with. And I don't want that. I don't want to have that fear. I know what "dealing with" feels like. And unfortunately, I've had to "deal with" for many years now, and it's not fair that they should have to begin that same journey.
But I guess all I can say is, WWJD?
I thought that my leaving the first time was enough. I thought that things had changed and things had grown to be better. But as far as I'm concerned with Austin and Tanner around only half of the time now, maybe things have gotten worse.
When is enough, enough? Why wasn't my absence enough? Why? I don't get it. I don't get why things can't stay better. I don't get it at all. And I don't like how your drinks can be a substitute for making things in life better. To anyone with addictions, I don't get it. How does doing what you do help you get anywhere in life? What, does it put you to sleep at night? Maybe sometimes it's better to strike your problems head on. When you take the time to be sad and deal with your brokenness, that is when things actually happen. That is when new doors open. That is when new things begin. That is when you can say goodbye to a past and welcome a new beginning.
I'm done with being hurt. I don't want this anymore. I don't want what it has done or will keep on doing. I don't want it and I can't handle it. My biggest fear isn't going away to college and being homesick, but going away and not knowing what goes on at this house when I'm not here. I'm afraid of what could keep happening and what these three young men are going to have to see and deal with. And I don't want that. I don't want to have that fear. I know what "dealing with" feels like. And unfortunately, I've had to "deal with" for many years now, and it's not fair that they should have to begin that same journey.
But I guess all I can say is, WWJD?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Day 43: Feb. 2
Day 43 - A picture of your room.
I don't like how my room looks right now.
I haven't liked my room since last May.
And that room is no longer mine.
:(
I don't like how my room looks right now.
I haven't liked my room since last May.
And that room is no longer mine.
:(
Day 41: Jan 31
Day 41 - A picture of your dream cell phone.
I like my phone.
However, a phone that does stuff for me... especially essential things like showering.
Well that'd be nice.
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