tonight while talking

to emily, who's going to be my small group leader, i realized something-

god got me here to college. like, i wanted it for so long and i really thought at one point that it wasn't going to happen. it's all anyone was telling me. i was told that i need a plan b and that i need to get my butt on looking at new places and yada yada. and for a moment, i really thought i was completely fucked. i thought that all of my plans and works to get here were for nothing. and i thought that i'd be jobless and college-less and that life was just going to suck. i thought that i had put up with my shitty senior year and that due to lack of money, it was just going to continue on. and i thought i'd just keep seeing brian and keep on putting up with my dad and my family. and i thought nothing was going to get better, because i couldn't get here to arizona for college.

and that's all kind of selfish, i guess... but.

i've been here for almost 2 months now. and i've found that this is actually what i really wanted. it wasn't just an idea i got one time and i happened to stick with it. because everyday i wake up here, the sun is shining. and everyday when i go to bed at night, it's not raining or storming. it's perfect here. and when i'm awake at 4am and i can't sleep, i have someone to go sit outside with me. and we can do that here and not freeze or not get soaked in rain. and i really like it.
i also really like that it's a desert. i take this one "shortcut" path almost everyday and i walk past all of the giant rocks and cacti and i just think about how this isn't a part of my normal life. i mean, it is now, but it wasn't. and i think about how some people back home, like kayla, for instance has probably never even seen a real desert cactus. and how sad that is.

i don't know. i guess i've just discovered tonight that god is so good and that i don't thank him enough for the things he does for me. because i truly believe that he's the real reason i'm here. he believed in me and what i wanted, and allowed me to get to that place- to this place. and i did my best at believing he would do so. i told people that it's going to work out. i wanted it bad enough that i just knew it had to. and you know what, so far, it has. god is so good and so i might be in debt for the rest of life, but it's okay, because i know god is going to take care of that too.