last night:

i was really bothered.
i was bothered with my mind and my feelings.

on the way to duluth, i had my ipod on shuffle the whole way.
first i came across two chase coy songs in a row.
they made me sad.
they reminded me of those times in my room at my dad's.
i had my bed against the far wall with my head facing east.
i remember just laying in bed listening to those same songs.
months months months ago.
back to a time when i was heavily depressed.

i couldn't get my hands to next the songs in the car though.
i had to sit and listen.
and i had to sing with.
and i forced myself to think of those sad times.
i thought about how my times now and my times then aren't any different.

i realized the only difference is that i've been holding my head up higher.
until last night, that was.
it made me sad all over again.

i'm tired of being sad.
and i'm tired of being lonely.
what also bothers me is that arizona is only going to be another distraction.
my sadness only gets buried for awhile.
it never fully dies in the sand.
and when i think it's gone, it reappears.

i also came across the song 'tonight' by fm static last night.
there's a part in the song that says:
"i remember the time you told me about your jesus,
and how not to look back even if no one believes us."
i don't know why i always hear it, but i do.
and it always makes me sad.
every single time.
i spent a good half hour partially crying while driving.
i felt so stupid.
but i just kept crying, anyways.