11.30.10

Last day of November for the year. And I just spent lots of time Google image searching for a cool picture of John F. Kennedy Sr High School. Twenty minutes in, I realized how silly that is. Nothing about the school itself was very cool, and so finding a picture to show that was pointless. Now I have decided, this post shall remain photo-less due to the lack of a cool picture on the web.

Anyway, driving home from school today I was thinking about life. Life in the current sense. How I want to leave Anoka High, attend an alternative school, and graduate sooner. I want to get my have-to's completed and get out, maybe work full time as a co at Journey's or something. Anything to get out of school quicker would be lovely. But then I got to thinking, the tri is over this Friday. Before I can leave, I still have to re-re-take the math test. And that isn't for a few more weeks, which also means I'll have to start paying for more parking after this week ends. And all of these thoughts built up to a lot, a lot of nonsense. And I thought, had I stayed in Bloomington, where would my life be at right now?

It led me to think I'd still be at Shi. I'd have made a good $350 still through August, $500 in September due to the back to school sales and in the $400's during October. I would have still had the $250 in my checking account, and I wouldn't be down to $15.83 like I currently am. In a sense, the financial one, things would be spectacular. End of November already, my account would probably at least be $1500.
I also thought- still at Kennedy, I'd probably be driving to school everyday this year- unlike the past three. And unlike my mom, my dad wouldn't pay for that, so I'd be spending money to do that. But it'd be worth it. Three years on that long obnoxious bus ride was three too many. And at school, itself, I'd be a lot different than I've been at Anoka thus far. I wouldn't be quiet, and I wouldn't be late. I'd be early and making new friends everyday. I'd be social and I would say hi to people. I would have friends. And I would know the teachers. All in all, I would be happy. And maybe I wouldn't be dying to get out, even though the new principle is a "dick". Dick or not though, I would have given seven dollars to Maria Ford for a sick KenPen shirt. And proudly I would have worn it around.

I am not regretting the choice that I had made, because that was just my financial and school aspects of life. (I did not dig into my home life, and I will not tonight.) I fully take responsibility for the actions that I make, no matter how big. And my decision to leave was just another one. This was just me thinking about what I could be having/doing. Sometimes a new state of mind is a good one.

A year ago, my first hour class was Human Anatomy, and I hated every day of it. Mrs. Vanderlinden repeatedly put me to sleep, and even more repeatedly woke me up. Corina Loya was one good thing in that class, the other being- dissecting days. And I think, 'Wow, a year ago, back in that class, I was just worried about my Spanish 4 homework... I never would have thought that at this point in time I'd be where I currently am.' But somehow, here I am. God has gotten me through.

Maybe I'm not happy where I am at. But that doesn't mean I can't be. Life Law #2, according to the book we worked in during fifth hour, says that: You Create Your Own Experience. Maybe that's what I ought to do. Maybe that's what I'm going to be doing. I don't know, but somewhere along the lines today, I decided that when you're short on hope, like I have been for many months now, then: reassurance > hope.
And my own thoughts on this here post alone have allowed me to feel: reassured, that everything is going to be okay... even through the nonsense that December will bring.

11.28.10

It's been a week. Again.
But tonight, I just need to put this here.
I'm afraid that I don't know what else to do with it.

11.25.10-
a: Do you ever think- of us? Ever? Or are we in the past, done, absolute nada?
b:Yah I think bout us... but I don't think anything could happen. Idk like, we're really different, you know?
a: Eh, I don't know. Forget I said anything.
b: What do you think?
a: I don't know anymore. A part of me just cares too much.
b: Explain...
a: About you, I still care, without even fully wanting to. And for whatever reason I can't just leave those feelings behind. But also, if things were equally wanted, things would work out.
b: Yah... the thing is, we're different people. We're different, you know?
a: Have we always been different?
b: Hmmm, true. Yah, I guess.
a: I don't know that our differences is bad. Can you just tell me to be done?
b: Yah, true. Um, that's your choice to make.
a: Far more than a choice. D: I just don't like that things could have been different.
b: Yah, true... the thing is I do think about what if we lived closer or whatnot, but I also leave in like 6 or so months, hopefully, you know.
a: Yeah, I just don't like how that has to be a reason to not going back to being okay.
b: Yah....
a: Tell me you're done and have moved on?
b: I have and I haven't...
a: Explain?
b: Like in the back of my head I don't think things would work, but a small part of me thinks we could.
a: Hm. This is weird to ask, but oh well. Do you actually still have faint feelings for me? Or are they all gone?
b: Yah, I think I do.
a: Don't lie to me.
b: I'm not.
a: Hah, okay. Then I guess that allows me to feel slightly less lame and pathetic.
b: Don't feel bad about it.
a: Why not? Liking someone who thinks nothing will come of it is almost pointless.
b: Cuz everyone needs something to think about or whatever, you know.
a: Yeah, but if it's pointless, than it's just mentally annoying.


That's all right now.
All I've got.
Not even a picture for this one.

"Only once the drugs are gone, that I feel like dying." -Lil Wayne

11.21.10

You can't ever know what's going to happen next. You can never predict the next move. Things happen in an instant, like a flash. You can't ever fully know. It's kind of like bowling. You might be rolling gutter balls time after time, when all of a second, you throw one straight ball and you're celebrating over a strike. Who was to say you weren't going to throw another gutter ball? You just never even know.

And with all the bad Minnesota weather that's coming our way soon, I couldn't help but think of this. As I passed by tons of cars in the snowy ditches this morning, all I could think was how awful that would be. They're driving down I-169 on their way to work, or home, or to buy some groceries, or where ever 'there' is, and before they know it, they're gliding, sliding, and in the ditch. They had no idea it was going to happen to them, no idea they'd suddenly have an added debt.

And I just think that's insane to think about. You're next move could always be the one that stops and or changes your life.

i want to be loved, to have love, and give love.

To be honest, I don't even remember writing this. But I came upon it, and felt the need to post it.
March 15, 2010-
Father God, come down and send your love to me.
Caress me with your tender loving arms as though I'm still an infant.
Because I'm an infant in your eyes, and Lord, I can't rely on my own will.
It's You who I need. Everything good comes from you, and I'm in need of some more good.
Father, I want your love. I need to be loved.
I know that no one else can love me like you.
I want to feel your love when I wake up in the morning, as I'm desperate for sleep, and continually hitting snooze.
Lord, I want to feel your love in and out of all my classes, and on my obnoxious school bus in the afternoon.
I want to feel your warm embrace around me at all times, Father God.
I want to feel love, and be loved.
I also want to love.
I was made to love you, and so on I shall do so.
I want to glorify you in the midst of everything I do.
I want to get on my knees, Jesus, and worship you like no hands or hearts have ever worshiped before.
I want to cry out to you, and with all that is in me, feel your loving arms holding me, like that infant I am.
I've been crying lots lately, Lord, and I thank you for not letting it show.
But Lord, it feels good to cry.
And if crying is what allows me to physically feel Your unconditional love, then on I will cry.
Because I want to cry.
I want these droopy eye lids of mine to pour down tears, and flood my face.
Father God, that is how badly and how desperate I am for Your love.
And I feel that if I can love You, and if I can feel Your love pressed down upon me, then I can love others.
It's You who gives me the love I have for the world around me.
I was created to love all, and so on I shall love.
All in all, like Bradley explains, "I want to be loved, to have love, and give love".
That's my prayer to You tonight.

11.15.10

I thought this Google image was quite fitting.
I was thinking what if everything between he and I in the past three years was all planned. I mean, I know it was, for that's what I believe, but for a reason very beneficial. Like maybe his nonexistence during long periods of time was a mere baby step for preparations to the bigger step that will be taken when he joins the air force. And that we really are meant to be, because somehow we always make it back to each other again, and with God, we will continue to. You know, I don't really know about all of this that I am speaking. Faith is my only certainty, but I was asking God all evening at the Undivided to reveal something to me, so that I could receive from Him- some kind of word, or vision, or something. And I left empty; I hadn't.
Until just now: this.
Maybe this is it.


"Slow progression is still progression, and progression is good."

God, love her.

All I need to say tonight.

11.8.10

"Everything you do just screams, I LOVE YOU, and everything you are says, I care."
"Everything you do just screams, I LOVE YOU, and everything you are says, I care."
"Everything you do just screams, I LOVE YOU, and everything you are says, I care."

I love that song, and so I felt it was needed to not only sing/type it one time, not two times, but three times.

I need to be woken. I need the God in Heaven to come down and shake me, rattle my bones, and wake me up. Wake me so that I can rise up with this generation, that all of His sons and daughters of Christ can rise up together- united for Christ. We need to be awake, so that we can be satisfying and bring glory to God. Because He's the one God who gives- He gives us so much, so much love.

11.7.10

This cannot be it.
This can't be as good as it gets.
It's not fair, not right.
I just want things to work, just once more.
I just want to know again what it's like, how it feels.
Is it so wrong to want that, want him: all of him?

11.5.10

"You're so contagious, I don't think I'll make it. 'Cause I know I'll never get over you.
And you're so addicting, and I'm predicting, I could never get enough of you."

11.4.10

"The thing about a story is that you dream it as you tell it, hoping that others might dream along with you, and in this way memory and imagination and language combine to make spirits in the head. There is the illusion of aliveness." (218)

The worst part about reading good and interesting books is eventually reaching the ending. You leave the characters, their stories and all of the good times, for good. They're gone. No more. I never thought I'd miss "The Things They Carried", considering I dreaded the reading assignment from night to night. But I'm definitely going to miss it in a different way.

Maybe a more thoughtful way.
Or maybe that doesn't make sense.
I don't know now; not tonight.

Four hours of sleep last night and a Full Throttle this morning was not enough.

silly.but.true.

the difference in lifestyles in bloomington compared to those (or just mine) in ramsey is crazy and ridiculously different. i used to get bored, throw on my headphones and walk around moa for hours. but now i just nap. what a jip cities are when they don't offer large malls for people to wander.

is it pathetic that i can find a picture like this of a slight view into moa, and i know exactly where it's at and what's around that area, aside from what you can see? i mean, i know the picture was taken on third floor very close to nordstroms (by the way, if you're ever at moa and you have to pee, i'd recommend nordstroms- they have the best bathrooms. ever. you walk into a lobby with big mirrors and huge comfy rich-people-like chairs. then there's another door that leads you to the bathroom, and past the sinks and even larger mirrors, you eventually make it to the potty. yes, it is horrible that i can picture all of this right now and haven't been there in well over a month or maybe even two.), which is just barely cut off on the right hand side. i know that down there outside of the nords, there's an orange julius, which i often went to. i also know that on second floor just up the escalator, there is now some kind of candy/chocolate stand there, where the workers where white chef-like hats and clean cut aprons. maybe this isn't pathetic having all of this knowledge stored up in the memory portion of my mind. however, it's definitely silly and most likely unnecessary.

oh well. :)

11.3.10

"I miss you more. More than words could describe." -Captivated by Slow Coming Day
Five people I never see and rarely talk to, but all who mean a large portion to me.
Tayler. Dan. Maddz. Dylan. Sara Rae. Kelly.
And by five people, I meant six.
I can count; I promise.

11.2.10

Fact: God does allow boring days to also be good days. Today, I experienced it first hand.



And I just want to stay 'okay' for now.

A few nights ago, I found this old picture of my dad and his brother. I like it a lot. It has that older feeling: the stripes, my dad's glasses. But I like it regardless. On the back it's dated FEB 1991, two years before I came along. I like how my dads in bright orange. I also like how my uncle has hair and is wearing headphones. I like how they're doing push-ups. This entire picture, itself amuses me and brings me joy for such a strange reason.

<3

11.1.10

It occurred to me that the act of writing had led me through a swirl of memories that might otherwise have ended in paralysis or worse. By telling stories, you objectify your own experiences. You separate it from yourself. You pin down certain truths. You make up others. You start sometimes with an incident that truly happened, like the night in the the shit field, and you carry it forward by inventing incidents that did not in fact occur but that nonetheless help to clarify and explain. (152)

What stories can do, I guess, is make things present. I can look at things I never looked at. I can attach faces to grief and love and pity and God. I can be brave, I can make myself feel again.
"Did you ever kill anybody?"
And I can say, honestly, "Of course not."
Or I can say, honestly, "Yes." (172)

When you're afraid, really afraid, you see things you never saw before, you pay attention to the world. You make close friends. You become part of a tribe and you share the same blood- you give it together, you take it together. (183)

^Addictive quotes by Tim O'Brien and his book, "The Things They Carried".

No Shave November

began today. Good stuff. Almost 21 hours in; I'm feelin' great.

I also got a haircut recently. I know you can't really tell, but this photo will have to do. It's the most recent one of me that I have.


I'm just kind of sitting here tonight after about two hours worth of naps- consistently broken up with a plateful of pretzels. I'm thinking about how I started crying for no reason on my way home from school this afternoon.
Why do I do that?
Why do I listen to music and cry?
But only through certain moods and certain times?
It's weird, is it not?

I guess I'm still drowning.
I'm still waiting for God's loving hand to pull me out, like Eric Samuel Timm talked about, as well as illustrated last Wednesday night after Write This Down's performance.
One of these days God's going to scoop me up, and that's the next drift that I'm waiting for.
I don't really think I need a therapist to tell me that either, because truth is, you're only going to hear something like that in a church.
I still don't know where I am or what it is in my mind that's going wrong, but something's off my mental axis. One of these days, I'll get there.

Just gotta keep my HOPE strong.
-Katie Hausker deserves credit for photo of WTD.

10.31.10

I'm a day late again. But oh well. I can subject these however I please.
Anyway, I went to Hyland's Halloweens Bash last night.
I had such a good night. Was right upfront when they hit the stage as the Star Wars gang. :D

Their lyrics are beautiful and I can't wait until they hit the radio. <3

Btdubbbs, Jon on guitar and mic, and Steve-o on the drums.