i miss-

the fuck out of blogging.
tumblr has a lot, just not everything.


my trusty ol blog.
i'm coming back soon.
as soon as i sum up my words.

so this is gonna sound stupid, but whatever.

so one of my roommates was raised in las vegas.
she lived there, grew up there, went to school there.
that's where her life was.
las vegas.


it's not that i'm in awe of las vegas, but i guess-
i guess, i just realized that las vegas is more than a strip.
it's more than just casinos, bars, and a place where 21+ people go.
it's more than just a city to gamble.
and a strip of bright lights where people make poor decisions.


it's also a place where people live, grow up and go to school.
this shouldn't astound me like it has-
but it does.


and i hadn't planned on thinking about it for this long,
but the idea won't leave my mind.

my roommate grew up in las vegas.
that's home to her.
is this weird to anyone else but me?



but then i think about myself.
i see the mall of america as a "home" to me.
that's probably weird to some.
but it's a place in where i feel comfortable.
it's a place in where i know where i am, and i know where things are at.

and i guess that's what a home is-
a place you feel at ease, and of comfort?

can't believe i haven't been on in over a month,

but i guess i can blame that on tumblr, right?

anyways, i was in the shower thinking about stuff.
i kept on thinking about times in high school.
like this one time when i got up early to shower before school, but then i fell asleep in the shower.. assumed it had only been a few minutes, til after i had blow dried my hair and realized it had been for a good two hours.
so then i just skipped school that day and got yelled at by my dad.
this got me thinking about all of the times i used to skip school.
and i never really had a reason, i was just lazy and would skip.
each skip came with a new excuse too, or a new lie.
i would lie about it every time.. whether it was a new illness, my own mental health, not enough sleep, whatever.
it was always something.

i got to thinking though about how those days are over.
now when i skip school, i don't have to tell anyone or report to anyone about it.
if i skip now, it's all on me.
i'm only hurting myself, and my own money.
i'm only in the lose now.
my times of play and games are over.
and in this aspect, i'm getting older.
and things aren't as fun looking as they once were.

i don't know.

Oh, and last week.

I came across this picture from 12.12.2009.
And that was a weird experience, let me tell ya.
:>

So, it's been awhile.

My roomies got me hooked on Tumblr, so lately I've been spending a lot of time there.
However, this was on my mind today.

You get homesick now and you haven’t even been gone a whole semester yet. What are you going to do when you reach that age where you can’t go home every weekend anymore? We’re hitting that age where we’re going to own our own cars and our own houses and stopping in at your parents house isn’t an appropriate once a month thing anymore.

I was laying in bed trying to nap earlier and this dawned on me. Sure, I can miss my brothers and my kitty, and pup, but I can’t want to go back to that. I’ve been wanting to grow up all my life and own my own place. I think that’s what I really want.

Freedom is here, and there’s only more to come. I think it’s just silly to watch everyone go back home every weekend.

my suitemate is better than yours.

i like that selina and i have gotten really close.
i predicted it months ago just viewing her facebook and stuff.
i could tell that she'd be the one i'd really click with. and we do.
we talk deeply everyday. and i like it.
i'm really getting to know her and not just on that college acquaintance level.
but actually as in- potential friend for life.
and to be honest, i don't say that about too many people.
or i don't forsee that with too many.
i feel like facebook does a lot for keeping in touch.
but i don't really think it's 'in touch'.
it's more just we should hangout sometime.. but then never do.
or it's just a bunch of creeping, so you feel you know what the persons been up to.
all in all, selina is great. <3

maybe that's how heaven will feel.

i passed out tonight. for the first time in years.
it's been a long time, anyway... if not years.
whether it was the lack of sugar. or too much hookah. or both.
i'm not sure.
but i passed out.

and honestly, it felt really good.
when waking up thirty seconds later, i wished i hadn't.
something about not being conscious is great.
i don't mean that in some depressed state though.
because even when asleep and having dreams.. what is greater?

nobody actually enjoys waking up from a good dream.
and really, even a "bad dream"- you're in this alternate universe.
everything is different and yet the same, and something about it feels good.
you just don't want to leave.

i feel like god has given us that feeling for a reason.
i mean, i'm a mega lucid dreamer.
and selina is always sharing her crazy dreams with me.
but i wake up and think, eff reality again. D:
and then i re-think that and how terrible that is.
reality should be enough... but it's not.
no one thinks it is. everyone enjoys their snooze privileges.
and that makes me think dreams are okay.
that feeling of being unconscious must have purpose to some degree.

maybe that's how heaven will feel.
maybe not.